There is so much that I want to do.
The current issue is where to start.
On my list, which I dug out of my bag earlier today and dusted off, I have goals which I am nowhere near to achieving.
In the last week I have not written a single sentence of any meaning; and that frustrates the hell out of me. How am I going to achieve my ambitions if I don't set aside time to devote to them?
I have spent time reminiscing, delving into the past and remembering those that have passed through my life; reminding myself of the play and joyful times that were. But that does not get you anywhere.
Yes, it is a very lovely exercise to take up; looking at old photos and r-awakening long dormant senses; sometimes, you can still smell the location where you find yourself, and the brain is a truly remarkable thing to be able to achieve that.
But I am not achieving any kind of forward motion, and I am not getting any closer to being the person that I would like to be.
As life carries us on we change, or rather, we adapt, and our emotions, opinions, thoughts, desires and needs adapt along the way. Whereas once I was happy to be in the place that I find myself now, my needs have changed, and this means that there has to be a change in the world around me.
It is finding out that you are outgrowing the space that you are encountering. Once the world was a big and scary place, with new challenges and fears to overcome; once you overcome them and those fears no longer carry any weight then life can be a little...
I immerse myself in stories, sometimes they are of my own making and I feel accused of living in my own world. In my world, dragons do exist; there are good and bad people, magic is all around us and the trees spend most of their day talking to you. So, it is the real world that I am finding to be a challenge.
Unfortunately it is not a challenge I wish to take on. I have fought against opponents in the real world and they do not play fairly, in fact they do not have any rules, and if you do not follow any rules then that makes you unruly and in my view, childish. It seems to me that you do one thing, and that is wrong, so you do the other thing, only to find that is wrong too. In fact, you quickly discover that there is no right and anything you do is wrong.
The real world is nothing but a bubble of negative attitudes and emotions.
So, if the real world cannot talk to me in a language that I understand then is it any wonder that an alternative reality would carry more weight?
So, I have a to-do list, and I stare at it everyday in the vain hope that somewhere within the space between the black ink and the white paper an answer will present itself.
This feels like my new occupation: staring into a sheet of paper. It is quite strange that if you look at a sheet of paper with writing on it for long enough, eventually the words will start to dance for you.
Or is that a trick of the mind? I hope not.
So, I am in waiting mode. Whereas once I gave myself six months to sort it out, now I am edging closer to the end date I am increasing the terms. Perhaps waiting mode is a polite way of stating that I am in scared mode.
Last week I told my partner, who is trying to set up her own coaching business, that everyone has to make the first step. That Neil Armstrong made the greatest first step into the unknown of any human being, and he survived.
Perhaps I should follow my own advice, and get myself further out into the far reaches of space; a little like an alien looking for further life in the universe:
I have to put myself out there in order to receive a reply.