The election is less than a week away, and the options being put forward to us are pretty sparse. On the one hand we have a fiery dragon, who dines on the dreams of the impoverished and pursues the attentions and approvals of an overbearing ugnaught; and on the other, we have a mythical mentor who insists that the way forward is to go back to the past, and to forget recent democratic learnings to find a simpler way of life, almost like going back to the land.
The others, well, there is a puppet on a string who flings their arms around as if someone had dropped a cupful of ants down their pants; and then there is a throwback to the wonderful sitcom Bread, set in Liverpool, as a re-enactment of a cheery northern soul popping their head all over the place.
And who do you choose? It’s now a close call. The outsiders have fallen by the wayside and the front two remain neck and neck, the dragon moving a couple of strides ahead of Obi-Wan Kenobi. So, will it be a bath of blood red come next Thursday, that washes over the country; or a sea of blue which crashes over the population and drowns out the screams?
This year has been billed as a battle for Brexit, and deciding on who is the best person to take us into the negotiations with the rest of Europe. The unfortunate thing is, that in reaching out to the public in the manner with which the candidates have, it would appear that none of them are equipped to negotiate with the rest of Europe. The live tv debates have at best been a squabbling mess; and the interviews with various different channels has proved that the major players are robotic and, in the long run, extremely dull.
So, who would get my vote? Well, a few years ago I stumbled across a party called The Roman Party, for some reason they were standing for a vote within Maidstone. Because they were fighting amongst an assortment of politicians who a long time ago had sold their souls to the devil, or corporations as we also know them, I ticked this little party’s box.
I had no idea what the Roman Party stood for, and according to Wikipedia, they were created by a Frenchman who became a bus driver in Reading. The party, which for all I know could be one bloke in his pyjamas, use the basis that we should all behave like the Romans.
Of course, there could be an argument that we already do with our empire building. But, in my simple mind, I harked back to a time when you would grow olive groves and drink lots of wine, while watching gladiators wrestle with animals.
Not really the basis for giving an informed opinion on who would take this country forward, but a vote nonetheless. Better than making a spoil as far as I am concerned.
So, you have a choice between Gandalf or a Skeksis (those mythical creatures from the 1984 movie The Dark Crystal). Not much of a choice, but sometimes you have to make the best decision of two bad ones.
Zac Thraves is a storyteller and writer living in Kent; if you wish to book him to come along to your party, young or old, or to give a speech at your local school then please contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org