The Cafe at the End of the Universe: How To Train Your Brain to Bad Ass and Yellow

I have had a real yellow and tough couple of weeks; I say yellow because that is the colour of the post-it-note I used to remember what I had to talk about; I say tough because, I've been living in the UK and man, that shit is tough.

Living in the UK and being a citizen bearing the seal of the Queen on a British passport is a real liability, I mean, you've seen our representatives in government right? I really wish I had my old Star Wars passport to use instead. Do you think I could trade one in for the other? Maybe George Lucas still owns the rights to those passports, meaning Disney will not be making any of them and I am stuck...stuck in this ridiculous world with na'er a way of getting out! I mean, damn, man, I mean, really, what am I going to do without a Star Wars passport to see me through. I can't cope!

And God Created Women

Now I would like to introduce a brand new game show entitled:

WATCHING BRIGITTE BARDOT in the FLEA-PIT

I know what you are thinking, possibly... what?! Here's the rub, you have to go back in your mind to the strangest, or filthiest, or smallest, or surrealist cinema experience and post it right here in the comments below. I shall then pick the best, and once chosen, I shall read them out live on Youtube (this will also be recorded for global audiences who I anticipate will be peeked with excitement). You know what to do, describe in the most colourful and intimate way you can.

I blame Bradley Wiggins, and it has become a real affront to our beautiful English countryside; that is fat old men dressed in lycra cycling their way across the landscape...it should be stopped for the sake of decency and nature.

Time for an ad break:

Have you ever wondered about the universe? If not, then perhaps you are the sane one, if so, then perhaps you are the sane one; because we should be. I have a theory that the universe is a child's balloon that has been let go at some party or other, probably in a large garden with candy floss machines, and then left to float into the nothingness of that particular universes existence, you know, where the black night could be pink and the blue skies could be magenta. Then the balloon expands, and we are all inside it laughing and going to war and arguing over who had the last bite of the burger until eventually the balloon will reach an outer atmosphere where it can no longer keep itself intact and burst, sending clouds of blood and dust and faeces scattered across pink space and sowing our seeds into different universes. So we could get, like, purple broccoli trees with human hands and zebras with cauliflower ears.

You know, that sort of thing. I may be wrong of course.

Speaking of Disney, if they bought the rights to this blog they would change its layout by 25% while I would rake it in on the merchandise of the original.

So last week I thought I would take a walk through an idyllic Kent village in complete nudity and read a chapter from Great Expectations. The problem? I couldn't get a copy of Great Expectations, so old Dick' (as I like to call the esteemed writer), couldn't come out to play.

Finally, it's that time which I like to call:

...........SHAMELESS PLUG OF THE WEEK...........

Here is the cover of my latest book in the series SPIKE IMAGINATION. It is due for release exclusively to Amazon Kindle and paperback on 25th September 2019, following onto other e-readers after 3 months.

The story is about a group of activists, and one new member, who discovers their goal may not be the peace-keeping idea that she was led into thinking it might be.