It is so pleasing (! J ) that an announcement has been made in which we are all going to be getting blue passports again. Woe, oh I have longed for such a thing, feeling that my travels have always been hampered by the burden of burgundy. I always felt like an idiot passing through an airport knowing that Johnny Foreigner was laughing behind my back at such an insult of colour in my hand. Because of this, and to celebrate, I have written a song:
The Passport Blues
da do de di do - I got a new passport, it has a rich hue, it helps me to travel and the colour is blue; I got the passport blues, I don't know where to choose, but they give me the blues in my shoes. Now I'm too scared to go a' travellin', all because of my passport blues.
Burgundy is for suckers, blue is for blue, I'm an old English toffee, and the world is a piece of shit on my shoe, oh I'm a blue passport holder, I can now be bolder, and wear my chip on my shoulder. But hey, I won't be goin' nowhere, 'cause I don't care about you all; I got the passport blues, and I ain't gonna use it on you.
And in the red corner, weighing in at 615lbs and 50 pence, the King of the Oompa Lumpa's, it's Deeeeeeooooooonaaaaaald Teeeeeerump; and in the blue corner, weighing in at 5lbs, the forgotten lady herself, Taaaaaaaaayraaaaaaaaysa Meeeeeeeeay. Tonight they will match against the other in a tense battle of the minds, the leader of the FreeWorld (©) against a tyrannical lady from the United Kingdom of England...
Louis Armstrong may be dead but he has left a legacy of wonderful music which will enrich us forever; can't say the same about Bono.
Have you noticed how elderly people always tend to have a chat in the doorway of a shop? (That is my observational comedy moment for the end of the year.)
In the spirit of fair play for the football world cup of 2018 I think that all the outfield players should writhe around on the pitch as a starting point and try to get up without being pushed over again. The referee will thus have more power by standing directly over their sorry faces and whistling in their ears.
“GET UP YOU LAZY ANIMALS!”
COVFEFE, gold blend…I say matron.
Finally 2017 is coming to a close, like that scene in Dumb and Dumber (circa 1994) where JC lights his farts in front of the fireplace in a lovely Christmas jumper.
Zac Thraves is a storyteller and writer living in Kent; please contact if, you so wish, on firstname.lastname@example.org